issue 28 :: October 2017

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HUMOR: Ted Cruz Jokes, December 2015

jokes by Josh Ronsen

In the runup to the 2016 Republican Party primary voting season in America, initially populated by madman’s dozen of greedy, shelfish, mean, anti-science, anti-climate change, anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-tax, anti-Obama, small government Debbie Downers, I felt I had to do something, anything, to make sure Ted Cruz, the worst by far of the bunch, did not secure the Republican nomination. So I wrote a Ted Cruz joke a day in December of 2015 and shared them on social media. I can't say my jokes had any effect on the elections, and Cruz did surprisingly well for being so hateful and horrible to so many groups of people, but here they are in one place for your pleasure. Cruz is still sits in his U.S. Senate seat (how?!?!), and the jokes will useful for years to come.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks a bar mitzvah is a saloon for Polish baseball players.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks the Invisible Hand is an actual hand that helps out in non-union factories.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks The Origin of Species is a prequel to the 1995 sci-fi film Species.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks 'spooky action at a distance' is a cell phone plan for ghosts.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks String Theory is instructions to make a sweater.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks corn syrup is butter that comes in a squeezable bottle.
Ted Cruz is so clueless he thinks environmentalists are trying to protect the endangered California condom.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks the Pledge of Allegiance is used to clean the American flag.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he sued the U.S. government to strike down portions of the Medicare Prescription Drug program. That’s not a joke, that's something he brags about.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks an alpaca is a Middle Eastern moving company.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he doesn’t even notice the tension between the subjective and reductive ideas in Leibniz’s metaphysics of color.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks Google Fiber is a dietary supplement.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks the moon pies were faked.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks marriage must be protected from activist judges. That’s not a joke, that’s his stated campaign policy.

Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks carbon dating is the first step in the formation of coal.
Ted Cruz is so dumb he thinks Santa Ana was St. Nick’s sister.
Ted Cruz is so dumb, he thinks the poverty line is an actual line that surrounds poor neighborhoods.
Ted Cruz is so dumb, he thinks a diphthong is idiot-proof swim wear.
Ted Cruz is so dumb, he thinks a Francophile is a place to store hot dogs.
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